Film

Penelope Cruz is upping the ante on t.A.T.u.’s successful fame-grab by taking the whole fake lesbian thing and adding fake incest. The Spanish actress’s brother, a rockstar aspirant, is attempting to launch himself onto the world stage with a controversy-courting video starring his two siblings, Penelope y Monica.

The girls play translators overdubbing a lesbian porn. It gets them so hot they wind up making out, lesbo style. They are real-life sisters. (So gay! Unlike this.) Kind of puts this previous lesbianas-themed tab cover to shame, verdad?

• Cruz sisters in lesbian clinch [The Sun]

Sean Connery Held in Contempt by Judge: ‘You’re Annoying’ [Trials Of The Moneyed]

Sean Connery isn’t just a smooth and dashing Scot, he’s also a compulsively litigious thorn in the side of New York State Supreme Court Justice Marcy Friedman. It seems the septuagenarian is engaged in an endless game of “Suit, Countersuit” with his neighbor, in an enmity-charged relationship not seen since Bond thwarted Dr. No. Appropriately, his neighbor’s name is Mr. Sultan:

The legal dispute between Sean Connery and his downstairs neighbors has a fed-up judge telling both sides to cool it.

In court papers, Burton Sultan calls his neighbor Connery, 77, the antithesis of the suave secret agent he played in numerous James Bond films, branding him “a bully who ignores norms of neighborliness and decency” in the town house they share.

In a decision made public Wednesday, State Supreme Court Justice Marcy Friedman tossed out many of the Sultans’ claims but slammed the Connerys for what she called their “blunderbuss” legal salvos.

blunderbuss (n) : a short musket of wide bore with expanded muzzle to scatter shot, bullets, or slugs at close range.

You need a concealed-carry licence to pack a blunderbuss under your duster in California.

salvo (n) : a simultaneous discharge of fire weapons

From forth my blunderbuss did issue a salvo; it’s report echoed from the Grove parking lot to the Chipotle in the Farmer’s Market.

Justice (n) : a wildly overrated Daft Punk rip-off act

Goddamnit, Connery’s blaring Justice again. What a raver. My blunderbuss is out of ammo. Hand me my flame thrower.

• Judge to Connery, Neighbors: Stop Suing,

[Yahoo via AP]

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Spotted: Cute and funny homo Mo Rocca at gay lounge The Ritz on Saturday night in NYC. Also there: Perez Hilton. Yes, we just spotted ourself!

Horton Heat, Surviving Holidays, Screwball Comedy [To Do]

· Music Round-Up: Adema, Crowned by Fire, and White Wizzard at are Safari Sam’s,Mina Mauldin and Irene Carranza at Genghis Cohen, and Reverend Horton Heat is at the Wiltern.
· If you made it through the holidays alive (are they over already?), you might enjoy Lesley Wolff’s I Made It Through the Holidays Alive Show, featuring comedy by Stephanie Escajeda, Pedro Hernandez, Ari Shaffir, Jessie Schneiderman, Tig Notaro, and Matt Braunger. At The Improv.
· In these trying times, isn’t the American Cinematheque’s Screwball Comedies series at the Aero Theatre just what we all need? Tonight’s double feature screens 1937’s Easy Living, and 1939’s Midnight, “a Cinderella story starring Claudette Colbert as an American showgirl who transforms into hired bait for John Barrymore’s wife’s lover.” Someone should snap this up for a remake starring Mo’nique.

*Alas, a commenter reminds us it’s being retooled into Little Miss Hired-Bait-shine for Reese Witherspoon. We still think this story has Mo’nique written all over it.

Welcome To The DUI, Mischa Barton [It’s DUI Christmas!]

We knew the end of the year would net a far bigger DUI fish than Boy Meets World’s Topanga, and Swervy Claus has come through once again, crashing his sleigh into the side of Defamer HQ-2 with a newly booked Mischa Barton to put under our twinkling Christmas stump. True to their names, the girls at Hollyscoop were first on the scene:

Sources tell Hollyscoop EXCLUSIVELY that actress Mischa Barton was arrested in the wee hours this morning! She was handcuffed and arrested at 2:46AM last night and booked at 3:10AM.

Mischa was arrested on the corner of La Cienega and Santa Monica Blvd in Los Angeles late last night in her white Range Rover for Driving Under the Influence and driving without a license.

Her bail amount is set at $10,000.

TMZ also reports that the thespian who so vividly brought Marissa Cooper’s every pool-furniture-thrashing to life on The O.C. is still in custody, that the Sheriff’s Department’s “Inmate Information Center” mistakenly input her name as “Mischa Burton,” and that she was charged with possession of narcotics–ominous italics ours. (A white Christmas?) We promise to update you with a mugshot just as soon as one is made available, and that shouldn’t be long, but may we suggest using the few minutes until then for a booking-shot guessing game? Half-smile? One eye closed? Nolte hair? Place your bets.

• Mischa Barton Arrested! [Hollyscoop]

Defamer’s Top Ten Videos Of 2007 [Defamer 2007 Year In Review]

While we’ve been slaving over a year’s worth of Defamer hot links, plucking only the juiciest for our Year in Review series, Defamer videographer Molly McAleer has been hard at work too, cobbling together this countdown of Defamer’s Top 10 Videos of 2007, with interstitials set to a delightful hip-hop soundtrack.

We cannot express enough just how much joy we derived from reliving the greatest recorded moments of the year; some of them we’ve now seen dozens, even hundreds of times, and yet they still offer us new discoveries–such as Barbara Walters observing, “Well, you can do both,” upon it being suggested to her that it’s impossible to simultaneously feed one’s children, and know that the Earth is in fact not flat. Oop! We’ve already said too much. From us to you, enjoy.

• Defamer Clips

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Forbes - It wasn’t the recent Emmy winner - but it was something almost equally galvanizing: 27 LIVE STANDEES — models wearing specially-made bridesmaid dresses adorned with the film’s title and credits, at 27 specially-selected locations for the December 27

The good, the bad and the Ryanair cabin crew
Guardian Unlimited - At the start of the year, the knock-on effects of the Borat film - which depicted Kazakhstan as a backward land of goat-milking, sister-shagging peasants - meant it wasn’t exactly on the hot list. By November the hip Hedonist Guides had produced a

USC has no regular-season regrets, ready for Rose Bowl
ESPN.com - Now when you watch them on film, who scares you? [Freshman RB Joe] McKnight’s the closest thing to that, and he’s not ready, so they don’t have that X factor. And now, no one is scared of them. Instead, they are just like every other good team where

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